CHAPTER IX
`I dare say youre wondering why I dont put my arm round your waist, the Duchess said after a pause: `the reason is, that Im doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?
The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. `What! Never heard of uglifying! it exclaimed. `You know what to beautify is, I suppose?
So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought to herself, `I dont see how he can EVEN finish, if he doesnt begin. But she waited patiently.
`What was that? inquired Alice.
`This here young lady, said the Gryphon, `she wants for to know your history, she do.
The other guests had taken advantage of the Queens absence, and were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queen merely remarking that a moments delay would cost them their lives.
`What was THAT like? said Alice.
`Tut, tut, child! said the Duchess. `Everythings got a moral, if only you can find it. And she squeezed herself up closer to Alices side as she spoke.
`I think I should understand that better, Alice said very politely, `if I had it written down: but I cant quite follow it as you say it.
Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice, `Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?
`Well, then, the Gryphon went on, `if you dont know what to uglify is, you ARE a simpleton.
`Its the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from, said the Queen.
`Well, there was Mystery, the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers, `--Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling--the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week: HE taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.
`And how did you manage on the twelfth? Alice went on eagerly.
Alice did not much like keeping so close to her: first, because the Duchess was VERY ugly; and secondly, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon Alices shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it as well as shewww.99lib.net could.
`Now, I give you fair warning, shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke; `either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!
`Ten hours the first day, said the Mock Turtle: `nine the next, and so on.
`Thats enough about lessons, the Gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone: `tell her something about the games now.
`Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasnt one? Alice asked.
`No, said Alice. `I dont even know what a Mock Turtle is.
`And how many hours a day did you do lessons? said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.
`Ah, well! It means much the same thing, said the Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alices shoulder as she added, `and the moral of THAT is--"Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves."
`Its a mineral, I THINK, said Alice.
`Only mustard isnt a bird, Alice remarked.
`We had the best of educations--in fact, we went to school every day--
These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of `Hjckrrh! from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle. Alice was very nearly getting up and saying, `Thank you, sir, for your interesting story, but she could not help thinking there MUST be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing.
`Oh, dont talk about trouble! said the Duchess. `I make you a present of everything Ive said as yet.
`Thats the reason theyre called lessons, the Gryphon remarked: `because they lessen from day to day.
All the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players, and shouting `Off with his head! or `Off with her head! Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do this, so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and under sentence of execution.
`So he did, so he did, said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn; and both 99lib•netcreatures hid their faces in their paws.
`I never heard of "Uglification," Alice ventured to say. `What is it?
`You cant think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing! said the Duchess, as she tucked her arm affectionately into Alices, and they walked off together.
`HE might bite, Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried.
`I never saw one, or heard of one, said Alice.
`I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; `and the moral of that is--"Be what you would seem to be"--or if youd like it put more simply--"Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
`We called him Tortoise because he taught us, said the Mock Turtle angrily: `really you are very dull!
`Very true, said the Duchess: `flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is--"Birds of a feather flock together."
`With extras? asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously.
`Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you maynt believe it--
They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun. (IF you dont know what a Gryphon is, look at the picture.) `Up, lazy thing! said the Queen, `and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered; and she walked off, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon. Alice did not quite like the look of the creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen: so she waited.
`When IM a Duchess, she said to herself, (not in a very hopeful tone though), `I wont have any pepper in my kitchen AT ALL. Soup does very well without--Maybe its always pepper that makes people hot-tempered, she went on, very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule, `and vinegar that makes them sour--and camomile that makes them bitter--and--and barley-sugar and s99lib•netuch things that make children sweet-tempered. I only wish people knew that: then they wouldnt be so stingy about it, you know--
`What a curious plan! exclaimed Alice.
`You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question, added the Gryphon; and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, `Drive on, old fellow! Dont be all day about it! and he went on in these words:
`What IS the fun? said Alice.
`Certainly not! said Alice indignantly.
`A fine day, your Majesty! the Duchess began in a low, weak voice.
must have been a holiday?
`Ill tell it her, said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow tone: `sit down, both of you, and dont speak a word till Ive finished.
But here, to Alices great surprise, the Duchesss voice died away, even in the middle of her favourite word `moral, and the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm.
`Right, as usual, said the Duchess: `what a clear way you have of putting things!
`Oh, I know! exclaimed Alice, who had not attended to this last remark, `its a vegetable. It doesnt look like one, but it is.
`I couldnt afford to learn it. said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. `I only took the regular course.
`Of course it was, said the Mock Turtle.
`IVE been to a day-school, too, said Alice; `you neednt be so proud as all that.
As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice, to the company generally, `You are all pardoned. `Come, THATS a good thing! she said to herself, for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered.
`Lets go on with the game, the Queen said to Alice; and Alice was too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground.
`Thats nothing to what I could say if I chose, the Duchess replied, in a pleased tone.
`Why, SHE, said the Gryphon. `Its all her fancy, that: they never executes nobody, you know. Come 九_九_藏_书_网on!
`Well, I cant show it you myself, the Mock Turtle said: `Im too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.
`You did, said the Mock Turtle.
`And washing? said the Mock Turtle.
This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark. `Then the eleventh day
`Ive a right to think, said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried.
`Pray dont trouble yourself to say it any longer than that, said Alice.
The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight: then it chuckled. `What fun! said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.
`Once, said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, `I was a real Turtle.
`Of course it is, said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything that Alice said; `theres a large mustard-mine near here. And the moral of that is--"The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours."
`Come on, then, said the Queen, `and he shall tell you his history,
They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. `What is his sorrow? she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as before, `Its all his fancy, that: he hasnt got no sorrow, you know. Come on!
`Perhaps it hasnt one, Alice ventured to remark.
Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said `What else had you to learn?
`A cheap sort of present! thought Alice. `Im glad they dont give birthday presents like that! But she did not venture to say it out loud.
The Mock Turtles Story
`Ah! then yours wasnt a really good school, said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. `Now at OURS they had at the end of the bill, "French, music, AND WASHING--extra."
So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing.
`Tis so, said the Duches九-九-藏-书-网s: `and the moral of that is--"Oh, tis love, tis love, that makes the world go round!"
She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear. `Youre thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I cant tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.
`When we were little, the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, `we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle--we used to call him Tortoise--
`How fond she is of finding morals in things! Alice thought to herself.
`The games going on rather better now, she said, by way of keeping up the conversation a little.
`Yes, said Alice, `we learned French and music.
`Everybody says "come on!" here, thought Alice, as she went slowly after it: `I never was so ordered about in all my life, never!
`Hold your tongue! added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on.
`Yes, said Alice doubtfully: `it means--to--make--anything--prettier.
The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment.
`I never went to him, the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: `he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.
`You couldnt have wanted it much, said Alice; `living at the bottom of the sea.
`Hadnt time, said the Gryphon: `I went to the Classics master, though. He was an old crab, HE was.
`Somebody said, Alice whispered, `that its done by everybody minding their own business!
`Just about as much right, said the Duchess, `as pigs have to fly; and the m--
Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen.
`Thinking again? the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin.
`Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with, the Mock Turtle replied; `and then the different branches of Arithmetic-- Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.
`I never said I didnt! interrupted Alice.